My memory is shot to hell… like seriously. I cannot remember a thing.. or can I?! It’s like everything is foggy all the time. My iPhone is a testament to this as I have about 40,000 bizarre notes that say things like ‘curtains’ or ‘dog’ that I’ve typed to remind myself of something for later, but by the time I read them it’s a total blank.
I’ve always had the mentality that forgetting things is bad. That I should remember everything. I’m a stalker with the camera (always have been) and continue to hoard files and files of photos, ticket stubs and maps so that I don’t forget events or occasions or just the humdrum of daily life. Theo can barley fart without me taking a photo and documenting when it happened.
Recently however, I have allowed myself to forget. To allow painful memories and feelings to fade into the background, and it’s quite nice. Don’t get me wrong every now and again I still wake up in a cold sweat with the fear of God in me about cancer not being gone, but it’s not every night the way it used to be. It was painful and I want to forget.
To forget the physical pain – after surgery I felt (and looked) like I’d been beaten to a pulp, some days it hurt to even breathe. I still have pain and a beautiful scar, but it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. To forget the mental worry – the strain of organisation, logistics of being radioactive and financial stresses. I still have worries but they don’t stress me the way they used to. To forget the emotional pain – the fear of dying, of missing out, of how I would live after. I’m still emotional about it, but not like I used to be. An awful thing happened and I lived through it and I’m living now.
I have however managed to hold on to a lot of the good stuff. The people that carried me through it. The love and support I received. You can’t imagine at the time that you’ll ever laugh again, you’ll ever feel normal again, or that the you that you know will ever be the same. Slowly but surely though, you do come back.
I’ve learned a lot, a lot about myself, a lot about other people and a lot about the world and I genuinely believe it has changed me for the better. The sky is that little bit bluer, the air a little bit crisper and every day a little bit more precious than it was before. Anyone going through a hard time… you get through it, you will get through it and even though you can’t begin to imagine it, when it’s all over… you will forget.