How do you slot back in to a life that you’ve basically vacated for over half a year? It’s really hard, to be changed so much in such a short time, in almost every way possible, and to emerge and slot straight back into place, follow the same path you were on before.
Cancer has changed so much about me. I look differently. I pride myself on hiding it well but physically I am massively changed. It’s not just the ‘scar’ but all the other physical changes and pains that take a lot of getting used to. I feel differently. Dealing with such emotional strain simply changes how you deal with life. I think differently. My life ‘plan’ will not happen the way I thought, I simply cannot breeze along assuming that I’ll have another baby, or a new career or grow old with my husband… I can never assume anything again.
I got great news at my last appointment, at the minute, no further treatment. A few more bridges to cross but on the whole, looking good. I’ve been waiting for this day, dreaming about this day since I heard the word ‘cancer’. I thought I’d be running naked through the streets, whooping with delight. I thought I’d be throwing parties, cracking open champagne and taking Mr M’s wallet for a trip round House of Fraser. Instead… nothing. Silence. Numb. What now?
I am grateful, to the wonderful friends who have been there for us both, right from the start. To the people who have gone above and beyond to cheer me up, surprise me with some beautiful (and some wonderfully bizarre) gifts. To the people who have cheered me on on my darkest days. To my whole family, who have loved and supported me unconditionally throughout this illness and to everyone who reads and comments on these blogs. It’s something I never thought I’d do and I’m so grateful for all the support I’ve received.
I find myself starting to emerge from the fog of the last 8 months and realising that I cannot just slot back into place, I simply don’t fit. I am a different person, in many ways a better one, but I cannot go ‘back’. I don’t feel angry about what’s happened, I don’t feel bitter. I feel sad that it’s happened but I have learned more in the last 8 months that I have in the other 29 years of my life.
Turns out, the answer is not simply to ‘slot back in’ to the place where you were before cancer came along and changed the course of your life, maybe the answer is to follow a new path, take the new you out for a spin.. see where you end up.